That squirrel is standing, dude! Like right in front of us, they’re evolving, like we’re watching this happen, man.
It’s like that scene in my Jurassic Park squirrel-make script where the giant squirrel (formerly T-Rex) is attacking the annoying scientist squirrel (formerly Jeff Goldblum), and the badass scientist squirrel (formerly that other scientist dude who isn’t Jeff Goldblum) says “You guys! I think they’re evolving!” and then Jeff Goldblum squirrel says “Heh, it’s, umm, it’s the frog DNA, you see, it, umm, it’s mutating, like it’s mutating, umm, yeah” and then the old man squirrel says “we shouldn’t be playing god!” and then the Crocodile Dundee squirrel is about to be attacked by a squirrel, and he’s going to kill it, but then he realizes that the other squirrels have surrounded him, and he says, “Clever squirrel…”
I mean, look at this shit, man, that squirrel is fucking walking around like a fucking person. How long do you think it’ll be until basketball teams are made primarily of squirrels? How long until we’re buying clothes from squirrel employees at Hot Topic? How long until there’s a Squirrel President?
Some people might think of this as a bad thing, you know, a scary thing, or worse, a not real thing, but those people don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Squirrels are rad, man, and the sooner someone replaces my fucking boss at the AM-PM with a squirrel? Well, my job’s gonna get that much easier, and not because of why you think, you know, not because I’ll be slacking off and just letting my squirrel boss nibble on all of the Slim Jims, but because squirrels can fucking manage shit, man. I mean, seriously, they’re experts at working together for a common goal, just look at how they killed all of those people in Jurassic Park.
