I rewrote Katy Perry’s hit song “I Kissed a Girl,” only made it good. Here’s a sample:

“I kissed a squirrel,
and I liked it!
Sorta tastes like walnuts and chocolate.”

Quite the improvement, right? I have more lyrics, but I’m not ready to share them yet. When I record it, I’ll make sure to post it here right before I send it to all the radio stations. Do you think I should make my own music video for MTV, or wait for Spike Jonze to call? You’re right, I’ll probably just go ahead and make one, it’ll probably be better that way anyway.

Doesn’t Katy Perry look better as a squirrel? I mean, she still has the legs, and the bust, but now she has a face that you’d actually want to kiss, right? Mmmm, I can imagine the little hairs on Squirrel Katy Perry’s face rubbing up against mine, all sensual-like, as she nibbles on my lips. Man, I’m glad my girlfriend doesn’t know about this website. Also, I wish the Island of Dr. Moreau was real.

That squirrel is standing, dude! Like right in front of us, they’re evolving, like we’re watching this happen, man.

It’s like that scene in my Jurassic Park squirrel-make script where the giant squirrel (formerly T-Rex) is attacking the annoying scientist squirrel (formerly Jeff Goldblum), and the badass scientist squirrel (formerly that other scientist dude who isn’t Jeff Goldblum) says “You guys! I think they’re evolving!” and then Jeff Goldblum squirrel says “Heh, it’s, umm, it’s the frog DNA, you see, it, umm, it’s mutating, like it’s mutating, umm, yeah” and then the old man squirrel says “we shouldn’t be playing god!” and then the Crocodile Dundee squirrel is about to be attacked by a squirrel, and he’s going to kill it, but then he realizes that the other squirrels have surrounded him, and he says, “Clever squirrel…”

I mean, look at this shit, man, that squirrel is fucking walking around like a fucking person. How long do you think it’ll be until  basketball teams are made primarily of squirrels? How long until we’re buying clothes from squirrel employees at Hot Topic? How long until there’s a Squirrel President?

Some people might think of this as a bad thing, you know, a scary thing, or worse, a not real thing, but those people don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Squirrels are rad, man, and the sooner someone replaces my fucking boss at the AM-PM with a squirrel? Well, my job’s gonna get that much easier, and not because of why you think, you know, not because I’ll be slacking off and just letting my squirrel boss nibble on all of the Slim Jims, but because squirrels can fucking manage shit, man. I mean, seriously, they’re experts at working together for a common goal, just look at how they killed all of those people in Jurassic Park.

Look at this squirrel!  Is he on a stake-out? Is this Joey Greco Squirrel, about to catch another two-timing squirrel on a night out with a ho-bag-squirrel? Wow, that would be an episode of Cheaters I would totally watch. I hope Richard Greco Squirrel is careful though, when you catch those cheaters red-handed, they’re wont to stab you.

Maybe this is some sort of paparazzi squirrel. That makes sense. Celebrities know how to hide out from the press, but they wouldn’t suspect a squirrel of selling snapshots to US Weekly. Plus, they probably get better cleavage shots from up there in those trees. Uh-oh, you don’t think that it was a squirrel’s fault that Princess Di, um, died, do you? No, you’re right, that’s crazy.

I wonder if this squirrel has a card, I’d like to call him. My girlfriend wants to get boudoir photography done again, and I’d feel a lot better if it was a wholesome squirrel, and not some skeezy dude with a cell phone cam, like the last guy. I also don’t see why she had to take pictures of his junk with her phone, but you know, I didn’t go to picture-taking-school like that Paul guy, or this squirrel here, so I shouldn’t question it, I guess.

I mean look at it. These squirrels are like fucking crazy, dawg.

I don’t know where they are. Are they in the desert? Is this Nevada somewhere? Or is this some photo sent back from the future, from some post-apocalyptic world where squirrel is pitted against squirrel? The bombs dropped, the new winter came, but when the snow melted, there were only two survivors: Squirrels and Fucking Awesome.

I mean, what’s that squirrel on the bottom there thinking? He’s so full of rage, look at him, he can’t even open his eyes. He’s just kicking blindly. If he was looking, and the foot made contact with the other squirrel’s face, it would feel good, but I promise you, it would feel nothing like the surprise sensation when his eyes are closed and his claw-hand-thing rips into brother-squirrel flesh, and he peeks his lids open to see the aftermath of his destruction, and wow.  You can’t pay for squirrel-gasms like that.

And is that other squirrel fucking standing on his tail? I wasn’t even sure they could do that. I mean, look at that shit, he’s fucking moonwalking on his tail.  The King of Pop couldn’t even do that today, and he’s fucking dead, man. For real.

Oh shit, you don’t think this picture’s about rape, do you? That’s gross. But you’re right, that top squirrel does kind of look like he’s just trying to get his nut. Still, no, that’s gross. Squirrels aren’t deviant like that, dude. They’re not filthy humans, they’re squirrels. Show some respect.

This whole picture just makes me remember how much I want to see a remake of the film True Lies, except with all of the roles played by squirrels.  I mean, wouldn’t that keep all of the positive points of the original, while still improving on the awesome?  Oh, yeah, Tom Arnold would still be in it, of course, you can’t get rid of Tom Arnold, he’s the glue that holds the whole thing together.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Squirrels. Squirrels are rad, dude.